I think it’s hard to make friends as an adult. By which I mean, close friends, friends who really get you.

I’ve been interested in this topic since reading about the study out of Kansas University (“How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes“). I’ll talk about that Kansas study, but first a few thoughts on the matter.

I think social media has shifted what we think of friendship, and what we might expect out of a friendship. I don’t really make hard distinctions between online/in-person friends in the same way that I would have several years ago. Some of my favorite people (hi, Mark Carrigan, Inger Mewburn) I’ve met first as Internet Friends before getting to know them as wonderful in-person people, too.

The Covid-19 pandemic absolutely changed friendships, and here’s just one example of how from YouGov based on 2000+ survey responses:

“A majority of Britons (56%) found their friendships changed in some way over the course of the pandemic, with one in five people (20%) having become more distant with close friends due to the coronavirus pandemic, the YouGov Friendship Study finds.”

I absolutely identify as within that 56%. In some cases, I think I know why. In others, I’ll probably never know and have made my peace with it over the past couple of years.

Anyways, back to the subject of the post title. Friendships are always an investment of time and energy. Let me summarize some of the interesting findings from that Kansas study:

For College Students:

• 43 hours to turn acquaintances into casual friends
• 57 hours to move from casual friends to friends
• 119 hours to develop good/best friendships

For adults, it’s takes at least twice as long:

• 94 hours to develop casual friendships
• 164 hours to transition to regular friends
• About 219 hours to become good/best friends

Why is it so much harder to become close friends as an adult? Lots of reasons. We generally have a small pool of people compared to when we are students. We move more because of work, family, life, which in turn makes it harder for those close friendships to take root.

Of course, it’s about more than numbers. Quality counts. Meaningful conversations, and chosen, choosing to dedicate time to hang out and relax together are important factors. This article from Greater Good also has some thoughts based on the study, on what might or might not count towards friendship-building:

“Shared activities don’t always help us bond, either. For study participants, spending time together on shared interests or projects—such as traveling or exercising, partying or shopping, joining teams or groups, or going to church—didn’t seem to move the needle on feelings of closeness. Nor did spending time together at work or school, places you’re obligated to be anyway.”

Finding a new friend is a kind of magic in everyday life that sometimes comes down to the right person, at the right place, at the right time. But it’s a lot of work! I feel my inner Ralph Wiggum whenever I really want to know someone:

And a link to the study from Kansas University, in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships: How many hours does it take to make a friend?